42· The Reality of Vulnerability and Leadership
Podcast show notes
In this episode, we explore the complex role vulnerability plays in leadership.
We unpack how being open can build trust and strengthen connections within teams. But vulnerability isn’t without its pitfalls—oversharing or misjudging when to be vulnerable can backfire, leading to a breakdown in trust and ineffective leadership.
Here are the highlights
(01:27) The Psychological Impact of Vulnerability
(04:47) Balancing Vulnerability and Leadership
(07:11) Purpose and Intent of Vulnerability
(11:06) Reputation
Brene Brown, Dare to Lead
Jacob Morgan, Leading with Vulnerability
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Connect with Ruth
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Welcome to Frustrated and Exhausted, the podcast for women in leadership, where I help you fulfill your ambitions without sacrificing your sanity or your resilience.
Ruth
Hello and welcome to this episode of Frustrated and Exhausted where I'm going to be thinking a little bit about the realities of vulnerability and leadership. Before I get into it, apologies if my voice sounds a little bit off. I am full of the cold. I've got one of those horrible summer colds, but stick with me and we'll we'll have a good think about this topic.
So I was reading recently some Brene Brown on vulnerability, and you know, she kind of talks a lot about this, and as do many other researchers and psychologists, and I came across a quote from a lady called Dr Pippa Grange, who's a renowned sports psychologist, and she said, “you don't have to choose between being wholehearted, loving, kind and soulful or winning. You can do both, but the bridge that you must cross is vulnerability.” And I think that quote really speaks to the fact that if we want to really show up as ourselves in leadership, if we want to really connect with people deeply, then we first have to really make ourselves a little bit vulnerable. That that feeling of vulnerability, fundamentally, is what allows us to open up to others, to connect and to create mutual trust. It's the foundation of all relationships. You know, whether that's when you go into a new social scenario, maybe you've moved to a new area and you're first meeting people in the area, or it's a new job, and you're kind of first meeting your new team. There's always a sense of vulnerability, you know, will they like me? Will I like them? How will we work together? What are these people all about? And it can feel very vulnerable when we're in that that place, you know, it feels sometimes a little bit like walking on eggshells as we sort of try and feel our way forwards and figure out who's who and what's what. You know, we all know that feeling. We know what it feels like to be vulnerable. But fewer people, far fewer people, know how to lead with vulnerability. It can be a really challenging balance to strike. In this episode, I'm going to explore some of the benefits and some of the pitfalls of vulnerability.
So psychologically, when we're vulnerable with others, we are intentionally opening ourselves up to possible emotional harm, most likely in the form of rejection or ridicule. You were we're really taking a risk in order to create the reward for ourselves of a closer relationship. So it's something that that you know, we're most likely to do when it feels like there's something in it for us. And that something is usually because we want to deepen our bonds with people. The main benefit of vulnerability in a leadership context is of course that it builds trust. It builds connection with the people that we are being vulnerable with. Hopefully, it leads to them feeling that they can be vulnerable with us as well, and as being seen as really an honest broker, somebody who's relatable, somebody who's approachable, that you can be honest with. And you know, there's, there's nothing worse than a leader not kind of getting the information and the feedback that they need in order to lead effectively, because people don't want to tell them the truth. So having those bonds in place, you know, taking time to build them can be incredibly worthwhile. It can lead to you being perceived as somebody who's worth following. People believe in you. They believe what you say, and that's the primary reason that this has become a major topic in leadership circles.
You know you could even ask yourself is it even possible to show up as an authentic leader? Now, to show up really with authenticity, without being vulnerable, to me probably not. I don't see how we can really be ourselves without also experiencing vulnerability, experiencing the feeling of vulnerability in ourselves, and also allowing other people to see that vulnerability. Because you know, we can feel vulnerable and still have our defenses up so that people don't see that, but when we're being vulnerable in leadership that's about lowering those defenses so that other people can see the vulnerability that we feel inside. But does that mean that as leaders we need to be vulnerable all the time? I would argue not. I think there can be some real pitfalls with vulnerability and this is what makes it challenging because this is about, this is where we need to be drawing on our judgment of where and when to be vulnerable, and considering the impact of that on other people.
So thinking about ourselves first, you know, we have to think about the context that we're working in. What is our workplace culture? Not all workplace cultures are conducive to vulnerability and for those who are in a minority group in some way, whether that's gender or race or disability, we're often in a position of putting up barriers to protect ourselves. You know, especially where the workplace can be is toxic, or if it's sort of highly competitive, there are not huge amounts of trust in that workplace culture. For women specifically, you know, gender stereotypes and bias definitely increase the likelihood that we're putting up some defenses at least some of the time, and there can be very good reason for that. So I think one of the first things that you you need to think about when you're thinking about vulnerability and your leadership style is to have a really good think about the environment that you're operating in. You have to be honest. Are you actually safe to be vulnerable in that environment? And if you are, what are the specific contexts for that? You know, who are you safe to be vulnerable with? And who are you not safe to be vulnerable with? There are times and places for all of these things, and there are people that we're more likely to feel that we can be vulnerable with or not.
As I've kind of started to sort of argue you know, being a leader doesn't make being vulnerable all the time. It can in fact be counterproductive. I came across someone not in a work context I should say, recently who was leading a fairly large team and community. It was a sort of in a community context. And this leader, I think, believed they were doing the right thing in being vulnerable and showing their vulnerabilities. But to me took it way too far, and how that kind of showed up was really that this person was oversharing, was kind of almost putting their emotions and their needs in front of the needs of the people that they were supposed to be leading. So I think you know, being really clear about why you're sharing something is really, really important because in this instance what happened was that that oversharing, that burdening of the leaders emotions onto the team actually destroyed trust. It made the team feel unsafe, and it led basically to really ineffective leadership, and it led to somebody being moved on in a role because it just it was too much. And I think this is where you need to be really, really clear about the purpose of being vulnerable. Why are you sharing this particular thing about you with the person or people that you're sharing it with? So intent really, really matters. Having a clear intent and purpose really matters.
It can work brilliantly. I was part of a group many years ago who were sort of I guess being nurtured upwards, and we had a very senior leader speak with us very honestly about some of their experiences in leadership and sharing some of the fears, some of the challenges, some of the things that they had got wrong. And for us, I think universally, this was somebody we really respected and it's not what was shared was not something that we would have seen otherwise, but in sharing the stories and the experiences and the thought patterns that he did this person actually made it feel possible to lead in a particular way. It made it feel human, and it certainly built a lot of trust with us as a group, and allowed us also then to share some of our insecurities and challenges and failings. You know, the things that we've got wrong and that bonded the group much better as well.
So you know when you're sharing with kind of real intent and purpose it can be really powerful. But you have to have that clarity. So when are some of the times that sharing has a positive impact? Well I think acknowledging people's feelings in times of uncertainty and your own feelings in times of uncertainty can be really powerful. Owning your mistakes is another really big example of where vulnerability can feel really scary because sometimes it does feel like you're supposed to have all the answers as a leader and actually to turn around and say, mmm, yeah, no, I got that wrong. I didn't have the answers can be really hard, but it can also be incredibly powerful. It can give other people permission to also own their mistakes. It can really take away a blame culture and create a culture where it's okay to feel it's okay to learn the lessons, it's okay to share those lessons and kind of then move forward. So there's some real, really important times when being vulnerable with people matters and can be helpful, but you need to be really, really clear about why you're doing that. Of course also, you know in a leadership role, you're much more visible. You know, depending on where you are in your leadership journey, you're going to be thinking more or less about reputation as well, and you also need to consider the impact of what you're sharing on that reputation in your workplace as well and really spend some time considering that.
Just in summary, we don't have to be vulnerable all the time in leadership. Actually, if we are too vulnerable, if we share and show too much it can have a really negative impact on the people around us. So we have to be really judicious about what we share, who we share it with, and why. You know, what's the purpose and intent of us sharing what we are sharing? Equally, when we get it right it can be incredibly powerful. It can be powerful for the people that that are around us, and it can be powerful for us in terms of creating those support systems and networks and really creating teams that are working to a shared purpose and with a culture of openness and trust.
If you'd like to read a little bit more around vulnerability and leadership, I hope I've kind of given you an overview of some of the realities and some pointers to really kind of start thinking maybe a bit more consciously about the way in which vulnerability shows up in your leadership, or could show up more, maybe in your leadership. If you want to read about it a bit more, there's some links in the show notes, or if you want to explore this in a bit more depth, send me a message and let's have a chat. Take care.
Thanks for listening to this episode of Frustrated and Exhausted. Hit the follow button for future episodes. You can also follow me on Instagram @resonateleadership and LinkedIn at Ruth Alexandra Wood, I'd absolutely love to hear from you. Frustrated and Exhausted is brought to you by Resonate Leadership and the wonderful team at the Podcast Boutique. I'm your host Ruth wood, take care and speak to you soon you.
