50· Knowing Me, Knowing You
Podcast show notes
In this episode of Frustrated and Exhausted, I explore the power of truly knowing yourself, what makes you tick, what stresses you out, and how these insights can transform your leadership journey.
We’ll look into why self awareness is more than just a buzzword and how understanding your values, strengths, and triggers can make you a better, more resilient leader.
I’ll also share practical tips on how you can start this process today, from simple reflection exercises to seeking feedback, and explain why this is especially important for women in leadership roles.
Ready to know yourself better?
Here are the highlights
(03:11) Self-Reflection and Emotional Awareness
(08:00) Methods for Self-Discovery and Understanding
(13:24) The Importance of Self-Knowledge for Women in the Workplace
(16:05) Is Coaching For You?
(17:00) Wrapping Up
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Ruth:
Welcome to Frustrated and Exhausted, the podcast for women in leadership, where I help you fulfill your ambitions without sacrificing your sanity or your resilience.
Hello and welcome to this week's Frustrated and Exhausted. Today I'm talking about knowing me and knowing you, and I would absolutely love to know how many of you just added an Abba style, ahaaaa to the end of that phrase because that's kind of what was going through my head when I was thinking about this episode. So in the spirit of Abba we're going to be diving deep today into really the case for investing and understanding yourself more deeply. And I really want to lay out kind of why this matters so much in leadership roles and as you kind of head into management and upwards and you're thinking about that kind of longer term career trajectory, and I think it matters even more so for women. And I'll kind of say a little bit about why that is as well. Let's get into it.
What do we even mean you know when we talk about knowing yourself? Knowing me, knowing you, I mean I think in a way that sort of sums it up. What we're talking about is really understanding ourselves from the perspective of what really matters to us, what's important, what are our values, knowing what our strengths are and what are we really good at and doing that in a way that's not just sort of trundling through but that's really explicit that we're really sitting back and taking time to go okay, this is what I'm really good at. This is what I find much more challenging. This is what I like to spend my energy on, and this is what I don't. This is where I feel like I'm in flow and I'm really giving my best. We're also talking about what we find threatening. And what I mean by that is you know sometimes you just react to something. It's a split second, your blood pressures potentially gone through the roof, and words are out of your mouth before you even really had a chance to think about what they are. And you know that happens at home and it happens at work as well, and that's usually a result of either somebody stamping all over our values, you know something that really matters to us, a really strong belief that we hold about the world or about us, or about our work, or potentially, you know it's something about if status is important to us, we feel like they're they're crossing over our boundaries and they're taking our authority and our power away. We perceive that as a threat and that's, that's the real kind of danger point isn't it when suddenly you just, you've flown off the handle, and you've not even paused to think about what you're saying. And you know that's kind of the danger zone really isn't it? For kind of work in particular but also at home you know for relationships, for causing damage to relationships that matter, for causing damage to our own reputation.
So we also need to take time to understand what those things are that set us off and there will be patterns to that. It can change over time but those fundamental patterns will probably still be there. We also need to understand you know, what is our actual potential you know, are we still growing, or are we so caught up in the busyness of just checking things off the lists, you know again and I'm talking at home and at work, that we're not giving ourselves space to really develop and be challenged and think about things. Have we really considered the sort of impact that we're having on the people around us? You know how they are experiencing us, how we're showing up, how they perceive the way that we behave, and do we take time to understand how our own experiences have shaped us you know this is kind of going back the way, going a bit deeper really, how what we've experienced in our lives shapes us and the way that we are and the way that we behave and our view of the world.
So that's, it's big, isn't it because we are, we're multifaceted, and we we kind of we change over time to a degree and some things will change and some things will stay the same but unless we can create time in our lives to really think about ourselves. You know, it sounds a little bit selfish maybe, but it's it's really important.
So why does it matter so much? Well, the more that we understand about ourselves, the more we know what we're capable of. The more that we know where our risky spots are you know where we potentially might not get things right because we find this particular set of circumstances difficult. Understanding ourselves really allows us to create a bit of a gap between our ego. You know that that internal bit that can get a bit bruised if it's, if it's not looked after and stroked from time to time. When we kind of have one of those things happen, I mean commonly we call it a trigger but one of those things where we feel threatened and we want to just react instantly, if we can understand that that's a potential risk area for us, that that's likely to happen in those set of circumstances, we can start to recognize the circumstances in which we behave like that and we can start to create a little bit of space to choose our response, rather than do that quick fire reaction that lands us in hot water sometimes.
And it also doesn't really get us the best outcome. Basically, when we understand ourselves more deeply, we also start to understand other people better because in understanding ourselves, in our own reactions, we can really find a little bit more compassion and curiosity for what other people might be going through, for how they might also respond. You know somebody's bitten your head off about something that seems really minor. It allows us to be a bit more curious about that. Okay I do that too but in different circumstances. So what about that might have set them off?
That helps us to really read the room a little bit better, to read people's responses better and to relate to them more, and in turn, that is, that's the grease on the wheels of trusting relationships. And we all need those in our lives and in work. In knowing ourselves and our responses we can also share a little bit more proactively. You know we can explain to people in a coherent, cohesive way why we might have responded in a particular way. And again that allows us to repair any damage that might have been done if we haven't managed to catch ourselves in time and it allows us to repair the relationship and move on. It allows us to be more adult in our responses. Because when we respond badly to something, it can feel, you know, we know it. We might try and justify it to ourselves and kind of get on our our moral high horse but deep inside we know that we could have handled that better. And if we know that it can trigger a bit of a shame response in us and so to avoid that, if we can get more of a handle on it and we can have those grown up conversations about this is why I responded in that way. I find it difficult when X, Y, Z happens. It helps other people to understand us better and to be able to approach us in a way that works for us too.
We also need to think about what we're role modeling. Leadership roles are stressful. Life can be pretty stressful full stop. You know even if you're not in a really senior role at this point. Understanding ourselves and our responses under stress and pressure, understanding those trigger points, those things that really get under our skin and make us react rather than respond, can really do a lot to help us understand how we behave under stress. It can help to reduce our stress because we know ourselves better and how we're likely to react, that actually builds emotional resilience in itself.
There are so many benefits to this. You know it helps us get a handle on the voices in our head. We start to be able to differentiate between those little chuntering voices that kind of hold us back from things or the little fear voices that kind of get in our way. We start to be able to recognize those and where they're coming from, and then we can do something about them. It makes it easier to move past our fears, to be brave, to have courage and to lead with courage.
So how do we learn about ourselves? There are endless ways to do this but some of my really top ones, I mean the top, top, top one, which is something that you can you can do on your own, you can do it with someone else, is just take time out for reflection. Reflect on your week, reflect on how it went, reflect on how you felt about different things in different situations. Get curious with yourself when you feel yourself reacting rather than responding. What was going on with that? Why on earth did I just lose it there? You can spend time journaling if that's your thing, you can have a walk and I think which is definitely my thing. If you're more visual and creative then draw it. You draw how you feel, try and kind of get it down on paper, if that's your thing. But spend time with yourself considering your own experiences and how they have impacted you. Is there something that's gone on that's just had a disproportionate impact and that's driving behaviors that aren't helpful to you anymore.
You know I regularly have clients bringing up things that have happened to them at school, in childhood, things that have been said to them that have been so damaging, so painful to them that it's like it's been seared onto them and they're still carrying it. And you know I'm sure most of us probably have some experience at some point where we have felt so humiliated or ashamed by something someone has criticized us for or said to us that we are still we still think about it now. Those things when they kind of keep coming up, keep coming up, these are the things that feed the imposter syndrome. They are things that feed the self doubt. They are things that feed the fear. So the more that we can actually identify what those are and kind of go well what was that person talking about? Why am I still giving this so much time and space? It can really help us to kind of move past it.
The second thing to think about is good old fashioned feedback. You know whether it's from colleagues or friends or you know even from you know at work or if you want to do on your own there's plenty of people that will support you with this but psychometric testing.You know there's loads of different tools out there that will help you explore your preferences and your strengths and everything else. You know I use some of them. Lots of my colleagues do, lots of my team do so you can get this input and this feedback in lots of different ways. Some of it you might think yep, that is absolutely right and other things might give you more pause for thought and something to explore. Some stuff you might just be like, nah, I don't, I don't see that. But all feedback is useful. It's up to you to decide what you do with it but it is, it's data, it's input, it's thinking about how others are perceiving you and then getting curious about what is, why they're seeing you in that way.
You can also of course work with a therapist or a counselor which I would really recommend if there are big experiences in the past that have really stayed with you and that are potentially impacting your behaviors now. Sometimes it's really worth going back and spending time with someone properly trained and accredited to really unpick what has gone on and what that means for you now. It doesn't mean you need to be in therapy forever but it kind of really helps you to know yourself and know how you're influenced by your past experiences, and learn from that and decide what to do with it. Of course also or working with a coach, this is really about proactively taking control and working with someone who can help you to understand those values and how they are impacting you, your strengths, finding perspective on events and exploring kind of why you've responded in a particular way and really started to identify some of those beliefs that might be keeping you stuck. Of course with coaching it's always about how you move forward. You know it's about taking the time to do the reflection and do the learning and then thinking well what does this mean now? How am I going to use this?
So just in summary I've spoken a bit about what we mean by knowing yourself. I've spoken about why it matters and I've spoken about how do we learn about ourselves or some of the ways in which we can learn about ourselves. Something and that might appeal to you, other things maybe won't, but it's about finding your way to do it. The important thing is that you do it. It will help you to manage stress better. It will make you more resilient. It will help you to find new ways on you know to approach challenges that kind of keep raising their heads. It will make you a better leader.
In terms of why this matters so much for women in the workplace, I think there are two points here. I think one we carry a lot more stress, sorry men out there but I think very often women are juggling more, not always but often and I think that emotional resilience and having space to understand where some of our responses are coming from if we can do that it will give a little bit more control, a little bit more space to choose our responses, and we know that we are going to be judged differently in the workplace because of all the stereotypes around gender, and therefore having that little bit of control, having that little bit of space to choose our responses can do a lot for our confidence and a lot for our ability to manage stress in the workplace in particular.
The second point I want to make about that is that obviously because of those stereotypes around women being so emotional, and there's an episode coming up on that soon by the way, look out for that one, because we can be tagged with that. Actually this really matters for us because there's nothing wrong with showing emotions in the workplace. There's nothing wrong with being emotional. We all are.
But we do know that we will be judged in a particular way for that, so we need to be quite cautious I would say about how much we show, when we show it and again that sense of knowing yourself, knowing what's likely to set you off can really help you choose those responses and give you more control around that which allows you, you know more control around other people's perceptions so to speak.
I hope that's been helpful and maybe a little bit thought provoking. Exploring this, it's a huge thing and it can be really challenging. So I would just say to you that if as you're thinking about that you're thinking about oh there's this big thing in my past that I really haven't looked at, I really don't kind of want to look at it but I know I probably should, if you are looking for a referral or you're not quite sure where to go next for support, please do get in touch. I know lots of people who work in these areas who are properly trained and accredited ao do get in touch or alternatively if you're in the UK, look up the BACP website for properly qualified counselors if you think that's what you need.
If you're thinking, well maybe actually I would like to work with a coach, maybe actually that forward looking thing is more what I'm needing at the moment then don't hesitate to get in touch with me. Either I or my colleagues would be open to having conversations about working together, have a chat, there's no pressure but yeah, do feel free to reach out. Take some time this week if nothing else, take 10 minutes, sit and do some reflecting or walk and do some reflecting and get to know yourself a little bit better. I'll be back next week. Take care.
Thanks for listening to this episode of Frustrated and Exhausted. Hit the follow button for future episodes. You can also follow me on Instagram at Resonate Leadership and LinkedIn at Ruth Alexandra Wood, I'd absolutely love to hear from you. Frustrated and Exhausted is brought to you by Resonate Leadership and the wonderful team at the Podcast Boutique. I'm your host Ruth Wood. Take care and speak to you soon.
